Sexual Harassers in Egypt get Spray-Painted

Which is bettter?  Violence and terror, or violence and terror?

In case you’re wondering, yes, that is a trick question.  I read an NPR news article today about vigilantes in Egypt who are “tagging” men who sexually harass women by spray-painting them.

Read the article here.

“A young Egyptian man grabs a woman crossing the street with her friends in Cairo. Vigilante groups are now taking to the streets and spray-painting the clothes of the harassers.”

Now, I hate street harassment as much as the next woman, but I don’t think this is the best way to deal with the problem.  In case you didn’t click on the link for the article let me summarize.  Men in Cairo have been forming vigilante groups to deal with sexual harassers.  They feel that the government is taking too long to do anything and instead have taken matters into their own hands.  Quite literally.  The only thing is, these groups are often reponding to the violence with violence, often holding the perpetrators down so that they can spray the word “harasser” on the back of their t-shirts and causing brawls.

“The methods used to combat harassment are not entirely nonviolent. Selim sees a man he thinks has touched a girl. He grabs him and slaps him in the face. A brawl breaks out. One of the volunteers yells to the others not to hit anyone unless they’re sure he harassed a girl….The scene was chaotic. The men looked terrified as the Be a Man volunteers pinned them down and spray-painted the word “harasser” on the backs of their shirts. Some were sprayed in the face.”

“Taymor says that because the police don’t want to act, it’s up to people like him to make a statement that touching women in the street is unacceptable.”

The idea behind this, from what I can tell, is public humiliation.  No matter what you think of this it is an excellent deterrant.  The problem lies in the fact that these men are becoming violent.  Fear and public humiliation are two very different things.  Just ask the woman who is afraid of going out alone.  The answer is not to make the perpetrator afraid.  What is this accomplishing other than placing the problem somewhere else?  Nothing is being solved, just shifted.  It does not address any of the underlying issues at play.  It is not addressing why men think they have a right to women’s bodies.  It is not addressing the power dynamics between men and women.

I agree that touching, grabbing, and sexaully harassing women in the street is unacceptable.  100%.   But as a woman who has been harassed in the street this is not the kind of justice I want.  This is not the kind of retaliation that will make me feel better.  Violence begets violence and answering it with even more violence perpetuates the cycle.  When we make violence the answer it only continues to escalate.  The problem only becomes bigger.

Rude Men and Rape Culture

I don’t usually post one right after the other but I’ve had two experiences in the last 24 hours that are challenging my ability to be a nice person right now.

Looking people in the eyes is something that I have been taught.  My parents taught me to look at others when I was talking to them.  A teacher taught me about the importance of body language and meeting someone’s eye when listening.  I tend to look at other people and try to make eye contact even they are just passing by me on the street.  Then I smile.  That’s right, I’m that person.  The one who makes other people feel super awkward because, stop everything, I tried to make a human connection.  You never know, that other person may need a smile that day, or someone to talk to.  I try to never be too busy that I can’t stop and talk to a stranger, or (attempt to) give them directions, or just let them know they aren’t alone.  I’ve had many great conversations through this eye contact making thing.  Granted I have been sucked into some awkward ones, and those people selling things on the street usually try and talk to me.  But hey, I figure they deal with the cold shoulder all day, I might as well smile while I say no thank you.

Today on my way to work I stopped at a coffee shop.  While waiting for my drink I look up and see someone walking towards me.  We meet eyes, I smile, he raises one eye brow, cocks his head, and body checks me.  Not the type of body check you’d see in hockey but the kind where a man slowly lets his eyes roam down a woman’s body and then back up again (I’m sure this happens to men as well but we’re talking about me right now).  Not only did I feel super violated, I felt dismissed and like I was “less than.”  All I was trying to do was be nice and this man, a complete stranger, managed to make me feel super shitty about myself.  Thanks a lot asshole.

Experience number 2 happened last night.  I get off work at midnight on Saturdays and since I refuse to pay $20+ for parking I take the bus.  At night I will still look people in the eyes but the reasoning changes a little.  I am letting that person know that I am aware of my surroundings, I see them, and I will remember them.  Yay for rape culture at its finest.  So, I am waiting for the bus and I see someone start to walk by out of the corner of my eye.  I look up, we make eye contact, he stops and proceeds to call me a mother-fucking-fat-ass-bitch.  He keeps walking then changes his mind and turns back around.  He got right up in my face and called me a bitch one more time before leaving.  I thought he was going to spit on me for a second.

Even though the first guy was definitely a jerk it is the second one I’d like to talk about.  I work with women who are often experiencing some kind of (untreated) mental illness.  I am threatened on a nearly daily basis.  I’ve been threatened with a gun, a knife, an axe, and a 2×4.  A man broke his hand on the door next to me when I wouldn’t let him in the building.  I’ve been stalked and the police had to escort me to my car once because someone was waiting around the corner with a baseball bat for me to get off work.  People are up in my face, yelling at me every day I go to work, calling me names that are way worse than this guy did.  And yet, this one man managed to rattle me more than almost all of these other experiences.

I think first and foremost it was because it was out of context for me.  I deal with crazy all day at work I just wasn’t prepared for it outside of work.  Secondly I was alone at the bus stop.  There was no one else in sight and I had no idea when the bus was coming.  I remember thinking if I scream would anyone hear me, if I hit this guy and run could I make it, and if I say/yell anything back would it make it better…or worse?

This is exactly what rape culture does.  It makes women afraid to go out at night and to be alone.  I can talk against it all I want but that doesn’t mean I am not a victim of it.  I can hate the fact that women, that I, have been taught to be afraid of men.  I can hate the fact that people are becoming desensitized to more and more amounts of violence, and that jokes about rape and the degradation of women are not taken seriously.  I can be against all of this but it does not change the fact that I take off my jewelry and change my clothes when I leave work late at night.  It does not change the fact that I check my back seat before I get into my car, or that I choose to park under lights and away from other cars.  These are not things that I was explicitly told to do by someone else.  These are things I learned, almost instinctively, by watching the culture around me.  I do almost everything to avoid drawing attention to myself at night.  Everything except look at people.  There was nothing I was doing to draw this mans attention to me.

I refuse to stop looking people in the eyes when I walk around and though I don’t really feel like being a nice person right now I refuse stop doing that as well.  So take that random rude men on the street!  I refuse to let you change me, though I may call you out a couple times before the day is done…

I’d like to end with this video.  Think about it.

Update:  I’ve been trying to remember where I first saw this video so that I could give the person credit.  It was on One Woman, “I am tired of the silence.”  Thanks Aimee!

A Letter to my Nephew

To my dearest nephew,

You don’t know it yet but you are privileged.  You may get better, higher paying job offers than your sister.  People will not assume you are a bad driver just because of your gender.  When you grow up, people will listen to what you have to say, even if it is ridiculous.

I watch you play on the playground with other children and am brought to tears by your compassion.  The way you include others in whatever game you have invented makes me so proud of you.  The way you watch out for your sister even when she is not paying attention touches my heart.  The way you, at family gatherings go out of your way to sit by grandpa and include him in the conversation because he cannot hear everything convicts me, because I did not consider doing the same.  Your heart is so big and you notice everyone around you.  You know exactly when someone needs a hug and you’re never afraid to be the one to give it.  You are a great mediator even if you don’t know what that means yet.  You are so good at making sure everyone gets a say and all the voices are heard.  You are the most caring ten year old I know.

And yet the day will come when someone will try and beat that compassion I love so much out of you.  You may be called a fag or gay.  Someone will tell you, you throw like a girl and instead of making you laugh it will hurt your feelings.  When you cry someone will tell you to man up, suck it up, or stop acting like a girl.  You will be expected to punch your friends and play sports, even if it is not really your thing.  And if you resist they may hurt you.  You will be expected to be physical, tough, and a womanizer, you will even be praised for it.  You will no longer feel comfortable having tea parties with your sister on the front lawn.  You will no longer laugh about that time you dressed up like a girl for a fundraiser.

My hope for you is that you resist.  That you hold onto your love and compassion for others.  Say fuck ‘em if you have to but never stop caring for the weak, the unnoticed, and the underrepresented.  Don’t let people get away with telling you you’re not a “real man” because you cry when you fall, or you like hanging out with your sister.  Don’t listen to them when they tell you that to be cool you have to play sports and date lots of girls.  Don’t let them off the hook when violence against women is treated as a joke or being compared to a woman is used as an insult.  Remember the amazing women in your life who are strong, beautiful, and capable (and could kick their ass if need be).  Never stop telling your mom you love her and when they tease you because of it tell them you had to say it because it is the truth.  Never stop hugging your parents because they will always need your hugs and never stop letting me kiss you on the head, even though soon you will be taller than me.

You are a bright, wonderful little person and I love you so much.  I hope that even as you get older you will still get excited to see me and be bursting to tell me about your day.  So, when you have to, say screw the world, and always be true to who you really are.

Check Please

Last Sunday I went out to lunch with a few people.  Our group consisted of four women (including myself) and one man.  After we were done eating can you guess who the server brought the check to?  If you guessed the man you’d be correct.  The only problem was he wasn’t the one paying for the meal.  The woman who had asked us all to go out had an expense account she had planned on charging it to.  She said something to the server, who either didn’t hear her, or chose to ignore her.  After the meal was paid for the server brought the receipt and the card back but laid it down in front of the man again.  Guess she hadn’t been paying attention the first time.  So, once again the check was passed across the table.

This got me thinking about “check etiquette.”  If a heterosexual couple with children goes out the check will most likely be brought to the father.  Especially if the children are younger and/or female.  If the children are older it would still probably go to the father but they may be asked if they want to split it and that probably depends on where everyone is sitting.  If it is two men the check will most likely be automatically split unless there is an obvious older man, then it will probably be brought to him.  Two women who look the same age would be the same.  Mother and child it would be given to the mom.  Unless it is an older son, then probably to the son.  Grandparents are tricky.  I’ve noticed most of the time the check always goes to the oldest looking man unless something is said before the check is brought.  If a married couple goes out with a single friend I’ve noticed it is often given to the married man, unless otherwise specified.  Married/dating couple is the man hands down.

A couple of things are going on here.  First of all gender seems to trump everything else.  The check is brought to the man.  The next deciding factor is age.  It is brought to the oldest person.  I tend to find this practice sexist and ageist.  Let’s focus on the sexist piece since that’s what sparked this post.

Men are expected to take care of women.  They are expected to act “gentlemanly.”  And that can be everything from paying the check to opening the door for a woman.  This is better known as chivalry.  The problem with this is the assumptions it makes.  It is what is known as subtle sexism.  Whether you think about this way or not it is assuming the woman is not capable.  That she cannot take care of herself and needs to have things done for her.  She cannot be independent or have her own voice.  (More on chivalry, subtle sexism, and door opening later.)  This sounds awfully sexist to me.  Assuming that a woman cannot pay for her meal is sexist.  It is providing a double standard for men and women as well.  Men are expected to pay the check and it is seen as emasculating when they don’t (or if they can’t).  Why is it that paying for her meal makes him feel masculine?  Is it more gentlemanly to split the check if she asks or assert his ability (need?) to pay for it himself therefore ignoring her wishes?

Here is an article written by Abigail Collazo about an experience she had on a date and what it was like figuring out who would pay for the meal.  She is the editor of Fem2ptO.  Though I think she makes a few leaps in logic near the end (and in the middle), the first half at least is interesting.