Bees in My Bonnet: Time to Speak Out

Welcome to Bees in My Bonnet.  If this is your first time reading one of these posts check out some previous ones from the archives here, here, here, and here.

1.  “…when it comes to domestic violence, the silence can be deafening.”  This is so true it hurts.  Abusers benefits not only from the silence of their victims but the silence of everyone else as well.

2.  In case you haven’t heard yet Angelina Jolie chose to reduce her chances of developing breast cancer from around 80% to less than 5% by undergoing a preventative double mastectomy.  I will have more to say about this in another post but for now please read her article, My Medical Choice.

3.  Vows of Silence Aren’t Always Holy.  Naked Pastor writes an article to go with his cartoon “Don’t Tell” explaining that sadly there is a lot of groundwork that has been laid to keep victims of abuse in the church silent.

4.  I love slam poetry.  Check out this poem called “Dear Straight People: We Have to Talk” by Denice Frohman, a world poetry slam champion.  Also “i know girls (body love)” by Mary Lambert, another amazing slam poet.  Mary Lambert’s voice is featured in the song Same Love by Macklemore.

5.  Read a wonderful fictional piece inspired by Seattle pastor Mark Driscoll and his latest sermon series.

What are your thoughts on the below cartoon?

Found at Funny Times.

 

Be gentle with the childless on Mother's Day

Reblogged from Walk With Us:

Here it is, nearly Mother's Day. Can't believe how unremarkable the day is to me, nor how little I want to write about it. Almost as if, now that the pain of childlessness is mostly gone, I just don't want to go there anymore.

So there's a wee bit of hope for you, women with aching arms! One day the pain may subside.

Read more… 519 more words

A post written by a dear friend of mine.  Read more about her journey on her blog, Walk With Us.

For Your Eyes Only

No, I’m not talking about a James Bond movie.  In Spain an organization called Aid to Children and Adolescents at Risk Foundation (ANAR) came up with the idea to create an ad that shows adults and children different messages.  Depending on the angle you look at the ad you either see a child’s face with the words “sometimes, child abuse is only visible to the child suffering it,” or you see the same face with bruises on it and the message becomes, “if somebody hurts you, phone us and we’ll help you.”  It has to do with the height of the person looking at the ad.  Smaller people, ie children, are able to see the message if they are under a certain height.  The idea is that the child can see this message, along with the organizations help line number, even in the presence of their abuser, or aggressor.

I think this is an awesome idea.  In reading some of the comments on the video and other articles I’ve seen something that has come up for other readers/viewers is that this ad is exposing the “normal” or “innocent” children to abuse.  Disclaimer, I do not have children.  But if I did I would have no problem with them seeing this ad.  It is important for children to understand that bad things happen, and that bad things can happen to children.  I am also a proponent of teaching children the correct and real names for their private parts.  Teaching children about abuse, letting them see this ad, is a form of empowering them to have a voice.  Even if that child is not being abused one of their friends might be.  We need to give children more credit sometimes.  They see and notice more than we think they do.  I’m not saying that you should go into graphic detail with a child about the types and forms of abuse but there is nothing wrong with teaching a child to recognize it.  Same thing with teaching them proper names for their genitalia.  First of all the words vagina and penis are not bad words.  They are part of our bodies.  Teaching that they are bad creates a culture of shame.  Second of all if a child is being abused and they do not have the language to express what is happening, or where someone is touching them, it is dangerous.  It keeps children in the dark, and their abusers in power.

So, without further ado here is the video.  What are your thoughts?  Do you think the ad has the potential to do any good?

What is the Feminist Label Doing for You?

The following article was written by Abigail Rine, a professor at the university I went to.  I almost took a class from her.  Now I’m sad I didn’t.

The Pros and Cons of Abandoning the Word ‘Feminist’

“The term is great for rallying the converted. For everyone else, though, it’s a PR liability.”

By Abigail Rine

“When I was a senior in college and a recent convert to feminism, I bought one of those “This is What a FEMINIST Looks Like!” t-shirts, and it quickly became my favorite item of clothing. The lettering was pink—ironically pink, of course—and I liked to push that irony further by pairing the shirt with a skirt, and maybe even some knee-high boots with flowers embroidered around the top.

When I got married a year after graduation, I wore the shirt proudly on the first day of my honeymoon, while holding the hand of my new husband, our flea-market wedding bands gleaming. I enjoyed the confused looks from people who would stare at my shirt and then at me; I could almost see their brains whirring, trying to process the mismatch between the person in front of them and the shrill, angry, neo-Amazon that a feminist is supposed to be. I loved challenging that misconception, with almost evangelistic zeal.

Seven years later, I still have the t-shirt, but it now lives in a box of old clothes in the attic. I can’t bring myself to give it away, but I also can’t remember the last time I wore it. We are at an impasse, the shirt and I, and this stalemate mirrors another growing ambivalence of mine, one I have only recently admitted harboring: an ambivalence about the word “feminism” itself…”

Read the rest of the article here

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ABIGAIL RINE teaches literature and gender studies at George Fox University. She is the author of the forthcoming book Irigaray, Incarnation and Contemporary Women’s Fiction. She writes regularly at Mama Unabridged.

Gender in Advertising: Objectification and Violence

I know that gender roles in advertising gets talked about a lot but I wanted to share this video anyway.  It is done by a group of students at the University of Saskatchewan in Canada.  I especially appreciated the role reversals towards the end.  Enjoy and don’t forget to think about what your mind consumes on a daily basis.

Representations of Gender in Advertising

What I Learned From My First Bad Haircut

I’ve never been very attached to my hair.  Or so I thought.

For most of my childhood it was long and I liked it just fine.  By the time I hit middle school I decided I wanted something different.  I kept getting it cut shorter and shorter until one day I walked out of the hair salon with a pixie cut.  I loved it.  Having really short hair was fun.  And easy.  I didn’t have to do anything with it.  I kept it that way into high school, but then I got kind of tired of being mistaken for a boy so I decided to grow it long again.  By my senior year it was part way down my back and it had grown back curly.  I now had beautiful, long, thick, curly hair.  I loved it.  I could do all kinds of different things with it or just throw it into a bun if I didn’t feel like messing with it.  But then I got bored so I went to get it cut on a whim.  I cut over a foot off, much to the horror of my hair stylist.  She kept asking me if I was absolutely sure I wanted to cut my hair that short.  I started playing with different lengths and styles and honestly really liked each one I tried.

Like I said, I’ve never been very attached to my hair.  I liked all the styles I’ve tried.  I have naturally curly hair that grows quickly so even if something is less than perfect the curls tend to hide it till it’s long enough to do something different with.

This last time I got my hair cut though I said to myself, this is the style for me.  It’s short and fun.  I can straighten it or leave it curly and it looks great either way.  I can roll out of bed and make it through the day without anyone knowing I didn’t wash or style it that day.  I love my haircut.  I apparently became attached to my hair.  I went in to get it trimmed today and for the first time in my life walked out wanting to cry.  In fact I did cry.  I sat in my car, looked in the mirror, and burst into tears.  It looked awful.

I immediately felt guilty for being upset and even a little disgusted with myself.  I felt vain and shallow for caring so much what I looked like.  I felt ashamed that I hadn’t spoken up when I was getting it cut.  Why hadn’t I said anything and why did I feel so awful about not tipping the man?

The thing is, I did say something to him.  I asked him to even out the front.  Instead he picked up his scissors and made the back even more uneven.  He didn’t listen to me.  He told me that he knew what I wanted and asked me to trust that he knew best.  It was a very disempowering experience.  I felt like this man had stolen my voice.  He had assumed that he knew me and my body (or my hair) better than I did.  This is something that happens to woman everyday, that happens to me everyday.  It is a trivial example of the ways in which a woman’s agency is taken from her.  I should not have to fight to be heard when I am speaking about me, my body, my feelings, my emotions, or my experiences.  And I should not have to justify myself for feeling the need to speak up.  I should not have to speak up more than once or shout to be heard.

And I should not feel guilty about saying no.  Or stop.

The second thing I learned is that my appearance matters to me.  I am a professional woman and I like to look like it.  It makes me feel confident.  Powerful.  It reminds me of the post I recently shared about the power of wearing a read dress.  For me, part of my power comes from having a great haircut.  I should not have to feel guilty for wanting to look good.  For wanting to look good for no reason other than myself.  I should not have to qualify that I am in fact not a diva or a bitch for wanting my hair to look the way I ask.  So, I sucked it up and walked into another salon.  They thankfully took pity on me and only charged me a few dollars to fix it.  And I feel so much better.

It makes me a little sad that I am only just really learning that it is okay to ask for what I actually want and to ask again if the first time it isn’t right.  Maybe I should have gotten a bad haircut earlier in life…

Surrounded by Violence

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM).  I have been working on a post for just about a month now and I have decided that I am not going to finish it.  There is too much violence in my life and I need a break.  I think that is why I haven’t posted anything for a while.  I can hardly bring myself to read the news or the posts of fellow bloggers.  It is just too much.

Working with survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault means that I am surrounded and immersed in the trauma of others on a daily basis.  I’ve worked hard at building boundaries between my home life and my work life but lately there’s been some leakage.  The thing about intimate partner violence, or even violence in general, is that you cannot unsee it.  You cannot unhear the stories of the people you work with.  And once you are made aware you cannot unnotice the things that go on around you.  You hear a neighbor yelling at his wife and your first thought is not wishing they would quiet down so you could sleep.  You lay in bed wondering if you should call the police.  You see a child misbehaving in the grocery store and you wonder what is going on at home; you wonder if this will be the time you call CPS on a stranger.

Once you are made aware of violence you notice it everywhere.  It doesn’t matter where you are, the store, the movies, out to eat with a friend.  I recognize violence in the movies I watch and the books I read.  I hear red flags in the stories my friends tell me and I see them in the ways they interact with their partners.  You become hypersensitive to the behavior of the people around you, and sometimes you stop believing that people are basically good.

This is why I am taking a break from writing about violence and why I am not participating in SAAM.  I cannot handle it.  I need a break.  I need to be able to stop dreaming about violence.  I will often end a meeting with a client by asking them what they are going to do to take care of themself this week.  It is time I do that with myself.  I do not want to stop writing.  This blog is part of my self-care.  So, if there’s anything you as my readers would like me to write about or a post you would like to see that is not related to sexual assault, domestic violence, or rape culture let me know.  Thanks for reading and be sure to check out some other blogs who have done excellent posts for SAAM.  You can also check out some of the posts I wrote last year here, here, here, here, here, and here.

Peace.

The Power of Red

By Toni,

“There is something about a woman in red that commands attention.

I learned this the first time when I was in my mid-20s and was working for a Really Big Oil Company. My department had a Christmas party lunch so I decided to wear a red business suit. I had never worn it as a suit before; I bought it so that I could wear the skirt and jacket separately. But since it was a holiday party, I thought I would be festive….”

Read the rest of the post.

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Toni is a wonderful writer and a dear friend of mine.  Check out her blog Woodhaven Ramblings, and a guest post she did here last year, Choosing Not To Be A Feminist.

Dear Beloved: A Letter from Melissa Harris-Perry

Melissa Harris-Perry, a professor at Tulane University and the host of MSNBC’s “Melissa Harris-Perry,” writes a letter to the Steubenville survivor.  In it she states that the young woman’s name is not important but it is important for her to know that she is believed.  She thanks her for having the courage to speak out.

Check it out.  What do you think?

Cartoon Controversy

Doaa Eladl is an Egyptian cartoonist. She started publishing her drawings in 2007 and is currently she works for a high circulation newspaper in Egypt.  She is also facing charges of blasphemy for publishing the following cartoon on female genital mutilation.

She did an interview with Clitoraid, a project that is working to “restoring a sense of pleasure and dignity. New Hope for victims of genital mutilation.”

See more of her cartoons here, and on her Facebook page.  You can also read a previous interview here.

What do you think about this cartoon?